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You know you’re from Hampton Roads if…

But mostly Virginia beach.  Sorry.

 

Because for too long have we Hampton Roads natives been downtrodden by Northern Virginia's superiority complex and silenced by Piedmont scalawags. Here is our list. WE SHALL BE HEARD!

By the way, you are the 85779st/nd/rd/th person to view this ever-popular list.(at least since i started the counter, that is.)


By Andrew D’huyvetter, Ben Kennedy, Jamie Smith, Lacey Wolf, Nathan Hoobler, Audrey Hills, Melissa Estrada, Laura Tyacke, Lisa Deffenbaugh, Danielle Solomon, David Rogge, Wesley Brown, Andrew Lorenzo, Rick Gerriets, Amy McCombs, and a host of others)

 

1- You can name at least three of Mike Joynes’ law partners.

2- You can finish the “Beach Ford” song…

3- You know that 64 West in Chesapeake is actually going east.

4- Virginia Beach is “Va Beach” unless you actually live there.

5- You know that “Hampton Roads” aren’t actual roads.

6- You don’t go to the beach every day.

7- You don’t want to go to the beach every day.

8- You know which beaches to avoid, unlike the tourists.

9- You believe that Meyera Oberndorf will be the mayor of Virginia Beach for all time.

10- Little Neck and Great Neck are not locations on Long Island.

11- Little Neck Creek is not on Little Neck.

12- Any westbound trip you’ve ever made involves at least one tunnel.

13- You can name at least three underwater tunnels within a twenty mile radius of your home.  Extra points if you can name all five.[1]

14- One of your Adopt-A-School partners in elementary school was a U.S. Navy vessel.

15- You can say “Norfolk” while sounding neither obscene nor incorrect.

16- You don’t stop and look skyward when aircraft fly over.

17- You’ve seen Rudy Boesch in the Farm Fresh.

18- You’ve seen Pat Robertson in the Farm Fresh.

19- You’ve seen The Neptunes in the Farm Fresh.

20- You’ve seen Timbaland in the Farm Fresh.

21- You’ve seen Missy Elliott in the Farm Fresh.

22- You even know what a Food Lion is.

23- You know which parts of each city to stay out of.

24- Sometimes the cities just blur into one big metropolis.

25- Sorry, I meant “suburb.”

26- You’ve been to more minor-league sports games than major-league. (More points if you can name three Hampton Roads minor-league teams)[2]

27- You know that on-base purchases have no sales tax. (Further points if you can name four military installations in the area)[3]

28- Newport News is not a catalog, it is a city.

29- It’s Hampton, not The Hamptons.

30- It’s not a peninsula, it’s the Peninsula.  With a capital P.

31- You can name all the I-64 spurs.

32- It’s not Portsmouth, it’s P-town.

33- It’s not Virginia Beach Boulevard, it’s just The Boulevard.

34- The Strip isn’t a nudie bar, it’s a tourist trap.

35- To you, Scope isn’t just mouthwash.

36- The Boathouse doesn’t actually dock any boats.

37- You’ve been to the 17th Street Surf Shop.

38- No, the real one.

39- You know what WRV, Hotline, Roxy, Billabong, and Quiksilver are.

40- You’ve ever heard “South Side” by Moby while actually on the Southside.

41- You know Dam Neck and Birdneck aren’t necks of any kind.

42- You use Cox Cable and refer to Cox High School without even snickering.

43- You know Mount Trashmore is a real place, not a joke.

44- You don’t mind the jet noise.

45- You don’t slow down in the tunnel, because it’s not a big deal.  Stupid out-of-towners.

46- Walking up hills causes an instant asthma attack.

47- While away from home, you can identify a fellow HR resident by their being the only one in a 17th Street shirt and flip flops.  In December.

48- You can go surfing and strawberry-pickin’ in the same day.

49- The left lane is not the passing lane, it is the only lane.

50- You know what Rita’s Italian Ice is.

51- You have friends at three other high schools, minimum.

52- Jimmy Buffet is a regular fixture at parties and social events.

53- A hermit crab is a legitimate pet.

54- You know not to bring your golf clubs to the Tidewater Country Club.

55- No, it’s a city.  Not a county.

56- It’s normal for seven cities to be linked in almost every conceivable way.

57- Your city is 20 miles long but only 3 miles wide.

58- You can leave town for years at a time to find the same sections of road still under construction.

59- Base/shipyard traffic is one of the most dehumanizing experiences you can think of.

60- You have to adopt a surrogate professional sports team because you live in the largest metropolitan area without a single one.

61- It’s Seven Five Seven, not Seven Fifty-Seven.

62- An inch of snow closes everything down.

63- 3 inches is a blizzard.

64- You’ve been due for a “Major Hurricane” for about 15 years.

65- Earthquakes?  Pardon?

66- Your region is having an identity crisis: Hampton Roads? Greater Norfolk?  Tidewater?  Norfolk-Virginia Beach-Newport News?

67- At least 75 mph on the interstate: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law.  If you want to survive.

68- You know who the Norwegian Lady is.

69- No, you can’t walk to the beach.  Moron.

70- You block the box.

71- You didn’t immediately respond to #70 with “What?”

72- The pedestrians are only at the beach.

73- You’ve seen Jamestown, Williamsburg, Yorktown, and First Landing.  And don’t think it’s that big of a deal.

74- During Real Stories of the Highway Patrol, instead of saying “Too bad for him,” you say “That guy was in my gym class!”

75- You can see another 7-11 from the 7-11 you’re currently at.

76- You can’t afford Nordstrom.  But you have one.

77- Why shop at Gap and Old Navy when you have Walmart, Target, and Payless?

78- MacArthur was not only a brilliant general, but a fine shopping establishment.

79- Bridges go over water, not land.

80- Tagalog is a language, and you might know a few words, if not speak fluently.

81- You know not to swim at Buckroe Beach.

82- You know Jefferson Park is not a real park.

83- You don’t laugh when you hear “Rip Rap Road.”

84- You hear “downtown” and immediately think of some other city.

85- You have to specify which Lynnhaven, Princess Anne, or Kempsville Road you’re referring to.

86- You have to go to DC to see any of the big-name concerts because you live in the largest demographic cul-de-sac in the United States.

87- You can name all the HR cities.[4]

88- You don’t know what the big deal about lacrosse is.

89- Nor do you know what the big deal about ice hockey is.  Rhinos?  Who?[5]

90- You know that Norfolk International Airport isn’t really an international airport.

91- Newport News/Williamsburg International Airport never even enters your mind.

92- No, you’re not hallucinating.  Those are mermaids.

93- You’ve attended the Neptune Festival without being pagan.

94- You’re still wearing sandals in November.

95- You’re a Republican.

96- You know the real reason we haven’t been hit by a hurricane in the last several years is because of Pat Robertson.  Emphatically cough here for emphasis.

97- You’ve ever wonder how many fish and crabs PETA killed building their new headquarters on the banks of the beautiful Elizabeth River.

98- You had a nickel for every OBX sticker you saw on the road, you’d be a rich man by now.

99- You’re tired of there being no respect for your home.

100- You know that it all started here.[6]



[1] The Hampton Roads Bridge Tunnel (I-64), The Monitor-Merrimac Memorial Bridge Tunnel (I-664), The Downtown Tunnel (I-264), The Midtown Tunnel (U.S. 58), and the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel (U.S. 13)

[2] The Norfolk Admirals (AHL), The Norfolk Nighthawks (af2), The Norfolk Tides (AAA baseball), the Hampton Roads Mariners (minor league MLS), and the Hampton Roads Piranhas (women’s minor league MLS)

[3] Norfolk Naval Station, Norfolk Naval Air Station, Oceana Master Jet Base, the Norfolk Shipyard, Camp Pendleton, Fort Story, Fort Monroe, Fort Eustis, Little Creek Amphibious Base, Craney Island, St. Julian Creek Annex, Fentress Field.

[4] In order of population: Virginia Beach, Norfolk, Chesapeake, Newport News, Hampton, Portsmouth, Suffolk.  Maybe Williamsburg, if you’re feeling generous.  Add York and James City Counties if you’re not in an urban mood.

[5] The Hampton Roads/Norfolk Rhinos were a failed attempt by George Shinn to bring an NHL franchise to Norfolk.  Didn’t work.  Surprised?  Don’t be.

 

[6] The settlers of Jamestown landed on Cape Henry before establishing the first permanent English colony, just through Hampton Roads and up the James.


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